no, he came in my armpit
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
