If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
