i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
