Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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