Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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