He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
