There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
