my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
