worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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