WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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