What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Randomize
