I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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