keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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