Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
