i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
