I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
