I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
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The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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