if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
