Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
