i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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