I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
