Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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