I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
