shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
