One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
