You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
