I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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