Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
