Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
