That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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