Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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