Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
