I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
it's great music for shaving your balls
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
