I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
