Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm just crazy horny about you
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
ok first of all what the fuck
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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