you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
