Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
This is the high leading the old right now
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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