Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
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I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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