I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
