he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
