I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
