You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
