My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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