she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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