He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
