I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
