I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
