I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
