My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
