Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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