I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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