I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm really busy with my period
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