last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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