So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
