omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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