my mouth tastes like poor choices
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
