Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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