when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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