dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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