I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize