I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Randomize
