I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
