This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
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My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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