So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
