so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
