We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
