I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
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